Crushed

Things I’ve learned or realized lately…

I don’t know if I’ve ever internalized or experienced the foundational things I’ve believed for most of my life, like that God loves me.

I want to know that I’m worth “it.” Worth loving, worth pursuing, worth getting to know.

I want the pain to stop, and I thought that if I tried to do 5,000 things at once, it would. But it hasn’t stopped. Being busy hasn’t numbed me to a place where I’m immune to it, and hasn’t caused me to forget about it. The pain creeps in at the worst possible moments; like at 1 am when I should be sleeping.

I want joy. I want peace. I want love. I want something real. And I want to be reminded that the Christian life is worth it, because sometimes I’m not so sure that it is.

I want the blanket of disappointment and discouragement to be replaced by the lightness of hope and grace.