Lovely Sunday

I’m having one of those days where I want to learn Italian, be in Rome, play the violin, walk along the beach, take pictures of gorgeous landscapes, and write a book all simultaneously.

I’m not sure if I remembered how to live again, or if I just started really living for the first time in my whole life.

Either way, I like it. I like it a lot.

And since I just purchased a “Learn Italian” book from Barnes and Noble, it’s time to get started on one of my dreams.

Relieved

I think spring is emerging in my life after what often seemed like an unbearable and impossible winter…

I feel joyful in situations where I was once embittered or negative.

I’ve put aside (for the most part, let’s be honest!) the burden to be perfect and have just focused on being me.

I’m not constantly overwhelmed by wanting more than what I have or for things to be different than they are, and I’m finally experiencing contentment with what’s right in front of me.

And I’ve realized that God never lets us go; we only push him away or turn our backs on him. But he never fails.

Joy

“You were wearied by all your ways, but you would not say, ‘it is hopeless.’ You found renewal in your strength, and so you did not faint.” -Isaiah 57:10

God is good all the time, and all the time God is good. I’m blessed to serve a God who I believe wants us to be joyful even when we aren’t happy, and happy when we’re joyful. I’m realizing that those two experiences are not as segregated as we often make them to be, and that joy and happiness are the most freeing feelings in the world.

It’s been a blessed week because I’ve been joyful and happy in who God is, in who he made me to be, and in what he’s doing in my life.

And I can’t stop smiling….so I’m pretty sure that’s something to be thankful for. God is better than all other things, and all other things will pass away.

Broken

I desperately want to know how God intended us to live. I’m a perfectionist by nature, but that often makes me legalistic or so focused on being perfect that I miss out on what God may actually have for me. On the other side of the spectrum is complete apathy, but I’m unwilling to live without passions, dreams or goals. When I contemplate how God wants us to live, the only thing that pops into my head is “like Christ.” However, Jesus was perfect, so then I wonder if I really am supposed to be a perfectionist.

I’m also weary of struggling with impatience, pride, self-control, and lust day after day. God says that we are free from sin, and that sin has no hold over us because it was defeated on the cross. If this is true, then why does it often seem as though I will never be able to live a sinless day? Or even a sinless hour?

I know that God offers us grace and forgiveness. I know that there is freedom in Christ. But I don’t really “know” these truths since I’m not currently experiencing them.

Several people have told me that I’m the kind of person who can learn from others. I can see the choices that other people make, and the consequences of those choices, and then decide what I will and won’t do without necessarily experiencing those circumstances directly.

I’m starting to wonder if that will always be true or if I’m entering a stage where I need to start experiencing things to in order to finally understand what counting all things lost for Christ looks like.

I’m starting to realize how great my sins are, and how much they separate me from God. At the same time, I’m learning how gracious and merciful God is to love someone like me.

Turn Your Gaze to Heaven

I categorize myself as a “control freak,” and I think I’ve been one my entire life. I struggle with completely surrendering my whole person to God. I want to hang on to something so that I feel like a part of me is “mine” to do what I want with.

The only problem with my mentality is that it is a complete contradiction to the Christian life. We live in a society that tells us to be independent, but God says to be solely dependent on him.

When I lose my desperation for God, I become self-reliant. A few weeks ago at church, the speaker made this point: “When men stop worshipping God, they start worshipping men with disastrous results.”

We were created to worship, and worship is a blessing. However, when we take our worship away from God and place it onto other things, we quickly create idols.

I feel as though I have been praying to “surrender all” for years. As I read through past journals, I see that phrase written on many different occasions and for many different reasons. Regardless, I’m starting to realize that I have never truly surrendered all.

My prayer is to be a woman who can honestly and willingly live out surrender:

“I abandon myself to Jesus Christ, offering myself to him for his purposes, his glory, and his kingdom. I commit myself to his revolution, and for the rest of my life to surrender my dreams, desires, and entitlements to him.”

LOVE

If I had to sum up what God has taught me in the past year, I might be tempted to say that I have learned about obedience or joy in suffering or surrender. Yet if I was honest, and took time to process through events and relationships and trials and circumstances, I would say that what God has really been teaching me is how to love him and love others.

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself.” –Matthew 22:37-40

Love is not as easy as we may make it out to be. It is easy to love lovable people, and it is easy to love if we know that we will receive appreciation or affirmation in return.

But what about the unlovable? And how do we love those who have absolutely nothing to offer us? And what does unconditional love mean? How can we be adoring and sacrificial towards others when we live in a society that guides us to measure the time we spend with people or the care we show them as an investment?

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” –I Corinthians 13:4-8

GOD IS LOVE.

I may not have all the answers about how to love, or what love looks like. However, I know that LOVE sums up the creator of the universe and the lover of my soul.

I am starting to see that if I look to the world to understand love, I will fill my soul up with ideas about loving only to “get,” and loving only those who I deem “worthy.”

But if I look to God to understand love, I see that love comes from God, and that by loving one another, we can see God’s presence manifested on earth.