Broken

I desperately want to know how God intended us to live. I’m a perfectionist by nature, but that often makes me legalistic or so focused on being perfect that I miss out on what God may actually have for me. On the other side of the spectrum is complete apathy, but I’m unwilling to live without passions, dreams or goals. When I contemplate how God wants us to live, the only thing that pops into my head is “like Christ.” However, Jesus was perfect, so then I wonder if I really am supposed to be a perfectionist.

I’m also weary of struggling with impatience, pride, self-control, and lust day after day. God says that we are free from sin, and that sin has no hold over us because it was defeated on the cross. If this is true, then why does it often seem as though I will never be able to live a sinless day? Or even a sinless hour?

I know that God offers us grace and forgiveness. I know that there is freedom in Christ. But I don’t really “know” these truths since I’m not currently experiencing them.

Several people have told me that I’m the kind of person who can learn from others. I can see the choices that other people make, and the consequences of those choices, and then decide what I will and won’t do without necessarily experiencing those circumstances directly.

I’m starting to wonder if that will always be true or if I’m entering a stage where I need to start experiencing things to in order to finally understand what counting all things lost for Christ looks like.

I’m starting to realize how great my sins are, and how much they separate me from God. At the same time, I’m learning how gracious and merciful God is to love someone like me.