Last night after a run, I sat by the edge of the pool with my feet in the water and watched the stars for a while.

This is my favorite way to relax when I’m at home. Unfortunately, I was only left to my thoughts for about two minutes total since the rest of my family all seemed to need to talk to me during that time.

However, in those brief moments, I looked up at the inky expanse of a sky that was studded with sparkling stars, and was incredibly honest with God.

I told him that I needed to believe he was real and wanted to move in my life.

Within moments, I caught a glimpse of a shooting star.

Sometimes, it takes things like glimmering streaks of white light to get me from one day to the next. I instantly felt at peace and knew that God was listening.

He is Gracious

It’s funny when God knows exactly what you need without you saying a word.

Now, this shouldn’t be profound to me. I know that God is all knowing so obviously he knows my thoughts, needs, and emotions without me speaking.

Right?

I’m starting to see that if I had to sum up my experience with God during the past 3 years of college, it would best be described as a balancing act between receiving God’s grace freely and doing works to earn his favor.

I usually fall into the mistake of thinking that if I just do (fill in blank), then God will do what I want or what I need or what I think is best.

I often miss the fact that my prayers or quiet times aren’t magic spells that God is waiting for me to perform so that he can move in my life.

The concept of salvation by grace is so foreign to me that I’m not sure I’ll ever grasp it. Everything around me says that I must do to receive, and then God enters from left field with this totally strange concept of love that is impossible to earn.

I hope to have a better understanding of who God is one day. Until then, I’m going to live one day at a time, knowing that I’m only human and that God never said I had to be perfect…he just asks that I love him and love others.

Like Christ

“I can’t.”

Whenever I hear these words, or am tempted to say them myself, they give me pause.

Is it that I’m incapable of doing something? Or just that I’m unwilling?

I’m starting to think that we often wonder this about God.

Matthew tells the story of a man with leprosy that came and knelt before Jesus.
“‘Lord, if you are willing, you can make me clean.’ Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. ‘I am willing,’ he said. ‘Be clean!’ Immediately he was cured of his leprosy.” –Matthew 8:2-3

The leper knew that Jesus could heal him, but would he?

I feel like my faith often rests in whether or not God will do something. It also rests in my sometimes desperate need to know that God thinks I can live the Christian life…that he believes in me.

I recently read “Velvet Elvis” by Rob Bell, and this gives me infinite hope:

“God has an incredibly high view of people. God believes that people are capable of amazing things.

I have been told that I need to believe in Jesus. Which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that Jesus believes in me.

I have been told that I need to have faith in God. Which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that God has faith in me.

The rabbi thinks we can be like him.”

I can believe in God and that I’m capable of being like him when I’m assured that he is willing and that he believes in me too.

Fire to This Life

Dave Matthews has a song called Grey Street with lyrics that go like this…

There’s an emptiness inside her
And she’ll do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together – to grey
And it breaks her heart
How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn’t listen
There’s still a hope in her it might
She says “I pray oh but they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place?”

Lately, this song sharply reminds me of myself.

I can’t wait for the day when it’s no longer so personal and applicable.

“Then Job replied to the Lord, ‘I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.’” –Job 42:1-2

Job was confident that no plan of God’s could be dissuaded even after enduring the destruction of his servants, sheep, camels, and children, AND being inflicted with painful sores.

I’ve experienced maybe a 1/10th of what God allowed Job to go through, but I hope to have a faith like he did one day.

Aspirations

The other day a friend of mine asked me what my life dreams are. I thought about it for a few seconds, and then said that I honestly didn’t know.

I shared with him that I used to have many dreams for my life but I lost hope after seeing the dreams continually shatter.

Not easily deterred, he said that he understood that but still wanted to know what I desired for my life.

After praying for a few moments, I realized that my greatest dream is never having anyone in my life that I’m unwilling to talk to or that I put up huge walls with, since you can’t limit loving the people that God puts into your life.

My other great dream is to show love towards others through my words, actions, and thoughts no matter where I am in the world or what I’m doing.

I want to be someone who makes time for others no matter what I have going on. I want to be someone who really listens to people and gives them my undivided attention. I want to be someone who asks the people I encounter how their day is going, and tries to make them smile. Above all, I want to be authentic.