Seek Up

Sometimes I feel like I’m falling
Fall back again, fall back again
Fall back again, fall back again

Oh, life it seems a struggle between
What we see and what we do

Oh, there always seems to be a Dave Matthews song to sum up my feelings perfectly…

Sunday was an interesting day. I went to church with my friend. Worship was a challenge for me; worship, which I have always loved. I couldn’t really bring myself to sing the lyrics. I stood there thinking that I belonged anywhere but in that room, yet somehow I made it through.

After church, I went to lunch at my friend’s apartment. I was honest with her. I bluntly blurted out all of my current thoughts on faith, admitted my anger towards God, and revealed to her a deep hurt that I have harbored for months and been unable to forgive. It was refreshing, really. She took the time to listen and when I was done, she didn’t freak out or judge me or ask what had become of me. She told me that she thought I had a lot of faith to still be holding on, even slightly, to my beliefs. I wryly laughed at her, but I also did not protest when she offered to pray for me.

Later that afternoon, something changed inside of me. The weight of the pain that I have harbored for months was gone in an instant, and I felt forgiveness towards the person who, only hours earlier, I swore I would never forgive.

Forget about the reasons and
the treasons we are seeking
For soon we will all find our lives swept away

so tired of trying

Here’s an analogy for you…

Imagine that a lot of people you know and trust tell you about an amazing new workout that will not only reshape your body, but will give you increased energy, improve your mood, and ultimately turn you into a more relaxed and happier version of yourself.

The workout sounds great, right? So you give it a shot. You spend a few months doing the workout religiously, even turning to your friends for support or encouragement on those days when you feel like you can’t move another muscle. You notice that your friends are looking more toned or seem more energized, and that spurs you on. The months turn into a year, and by this point, all you do in your spare time is workout. This exercise routine has become so important to you that it’s not just a workout anymore, it’s a lifestyle that you follow.

Then, the inevitable happens. One day you look in the mirror and you realize that your body looks exactly the same as when you started. You notice that your energy levels have dropped, and you really aren’t happier even though you’ve become a slave to this miraculous workout.

When you ask your friends about it, they brush off your questions. They act like it’s not a big deal; they promise that results will come “in time” and that “patience is essential.”

Eventually, you get to the point where you ask yourself if a workout that has absolutely no results is really worth it….and if not, then why bother? Why waste your time?

Now, replace the above workout with Christianity, the pursuit of God, or whatever you want to call it, and you have my whole life. See, I’m sick and tired of people telling me that feeling far away from God is “ok,” or “unimportant” since I no longer “have to worry about eternity.”

I wish I had the guts to tell people that I don’t really care about heaven or hell. I care about life now. And if life now is not abundant even after doing everything I’m supposed to, then honestly….screw it. I can’t believe in or surrender my life to or love a God who isn’t even going to speak in whispers to me. I’m sorry, but I just can’t.

I’ve been punishing myself lately. Every time I remember a “Christianese” piece of advice that I gave someone, or the way I would confidently proclaim things to be “God’s will,” I wince a little. I feel like such a hypocrite.

I’m finally looking at the Christian life from the outside in for the first time, and I’m underwhelmed by what I see. I see people I know with self-esteem issues who are simply trying one more tactic to fill the void, talking themselves into happiness and satisfaction. And yes, I realize I’m cynical. But I’m also not about to stake my life on something that I’m facing major doubts and questions about.

So what do you do? What do you do when you wake up one day, and everything that you’ve ever believed about yourself and God has crumbled in your face? What do you do when God is supposedly always with you, yet you’ve never felt more alone? What do you do when you’ve told yourself a million times that a life with God is better than one without, but then you start to wonder if that’s really true? What do you do when you see no change – when your life as a Christian is exactly the same as your life without Christ?

I get angry. I write angry journal entries. And, typically, when these questions swirl around in my head, my doubts only grow larger. I don’t care about death or eternity at the moment. I just care about the present, and why with God, it’s not any better.