On Easter Sunday, the pastor spoke on experiencing the gospel personally. He said that before he became a Christian, he prayed that God would reveal himself on an individual level. I’ve prayed that prayer myself a few times this week. I’m not really sure what it would look like for God to visibly and obviously show up. This used to be a source of bitterness/anger for me, but lately I’ve found myself living an Ecclesiastes sort of life: There’s a time for everything, but in the end, everything will fade away, and so we might as well make the most of the present.

Maybe I’ll be ok even if I never have concrete answers to the confusion rattling around in my head. Maybe all I need to do is remind myself why I became a Christian in the first place: Because I had a thirst that needed quenching. Maybe instead of talking circles or dealing with endless frustration, I should just go and meet with God in the one place where I never have any doubts…at the spot where the waves hit the sand. The union between ocean and land has always been one of comfort for me because I know that something holds it together, and that something has to be greater than myself.

“God has an incredibly high view of people. God believes that people are capable of amazing things. I have been told that I need to believe in Jesus. Which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that Jesus believes in me. I have been told that I need to have faith in God. Which is a good thing. But what I am learning is that God has faith in me.”-Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell

When I’m at the beach and moved by the beauty and symmetry of nature, I’m compelled to pray. I’m compelled to think about the creator of the post card setting before me. Maybe God has faith that my faith will never die out completely but will burn on. Maybe God believes in me. I hope he does.

Acceptance

This week has been ridiculously stressful. I juggled prepping for an interview at my dream mag along with another personal crisis of sorts, and everything from my work to my sleep has been affected. I’ve sent e-mails that I have no recollection of writing…seriously.

Thankfully, the work week is over. The interview happened and regardless of the outcome, there was no reason for me to stress as much as I did. The other crisis resolved itself and I’m finally free and have reached a level of acceptance about the situation. Oh, how I look forward to relaxing this weekend!

One Sweet World

Something really unexpected happened today. I somehow managed to snag an interview at my dream magazine for later this week. I feel so many things at once: overwhelmed, surprised, excited, scared out of my mind. I feel like someone needs to pinch me so that I wake up and the reality of this sinks in. I almost can’t wait til the interview is over since I know it’s all I will think about for the next few days.

My internet has been out for a few days. While somewhat frustrating (ok, honestly: totally infuriating, since I had planned to apply for several jobs this weekend and inquire about others), it was nice to get away from the computer a bit. I spend so many hours a day on it, and I think my eyes were grateful for a break. I picked up “The Other Boleyn Girl” on Friday night, and have been swiftly reading through its 600 some pages. I’ve been reminded of how much I enjoy reading, and it has been refreshing to get lost in a book once again.

Illuminate

I went to a David Crowder concert on Saturday. I was a bit hesitant about going—I’ve always loved the band and “O Praise Him” is my favorite worship song, but essentially I talked myself into going. It turned out to be an amazing night. Long ago I realized that concerts are a passion of mine, and the band did not disappoint. I was in the second row (about 10 feet from the stage), and was thrilled to hear “O Praise Him” live.

Later I met Crowder, and it was cool to talk to the man behind a song that I have listened to hundreds of times. It was a great evening, and I don’t regret going.

The next day at church, a guy from Youth With A Mission (YWAM) spoke and told us about Loren Cunningham, the founder. Cunningham has personally traveled to every nation on earth because he felt led to literally “take the gospel to all nations.”

I was deeply struck by Cunningham’s faith. I consider myself incredibly passionate, but it’s difficult for me to fathom physically traveling to every nation in the world and sharing my beliefs. The talk left me with more than a little to think about and mull over.

Home and Away

I love living in L.A. For some reason, that thought continues to catch me by surprise, but I’d rather be here than anywhere else right now (unless I was offered a free trip to Mexico or Hawaii, that is!). It feels good to want to carve out a niche for myself in the City of Angels and to finally be content with my present circumstances. I’m refreshed by the palm trees gently swaying in the Santa Ana winds on my block, or by the jasmine scented night air, or by the steady pulse of this amazing and thriving city.

I’m headed to Malibu today. I have a lot on my mind, and a beach walk is definitely in order to clear my head and – hopefully! – bring me some perspective.

I realized this week that I am still in love with the person that I was struggling to forgive. I felt guilty for my feelings, so I transferred them into anger. Though my tactic worked for a while, it’s time for me to be honest with myself. I still love him, and maybe that’s ok. In some ways, it shows that I truly am human. Nonetheless, I need to sort everything out. Plus, this is tricky since I have not been in contact with him since last summer, and part of me believes that that door is better left closed.

. . .

We’ll see how things go.